Online Dating After Being With A Narcissist
I could have sworn I started writing this post already! I’m pretty sure I did, but when I logged in today there was nothing. UGGGGHHHH! So, I’m going to do my BEST to try and remember what I wrote.
I remember a year after my divorce I had girlfriends/coworkers who were encouraging me to “get back out there” and not waste away being a hermit at home. So, they held my hand as I created a Bumble profile. I actually think Bumble is “fun” and the first time I tried it I had quite a roster going of men I was talking to. I’m sure that’s no different than what they do to us women. One guy swore he was in love with me after a very short time and was talking marriage. I had to cut him loose QUICK! Another was having a serious mid-life crisis. I ended up meeting one really nice guy who were still good friends with today, but no love connections. I’ve tried Bumble probably a couple more times over the last couple years. I’ve learned to use it for entertainment purposes and have very low (to no) expectations. There is definitely quantity on these datings apps…but the “quality” is questionable. In fact, on the last 2 occasions that I got on Bumble I saw my narcissistic ex-husband’s big head pop up in the pool of prospects within 5 minutes of my profile going live! After the 1st time, I wrote a blog post called “Dating Profile of a Narcissist” and showed just how these narcs “twist the facts” in their profile. This last time (a few weeks ago), I just laughed as I scrolled through his profile and pics. He added a couple news ones and kept a couple old ones I’d seen before. The funny part about it was him telling women “Please no drama…” - HA! Little do they know HE IS DRAMA!!
Most recently I’ve gone on two dates with two different guys. The first was nice and I thought it went well. But, I noticed that he wasn’t as “engaged” in staying in touch. He’d respond politely but anytime I have to initiate all the communications I know that something’s up. Sure enough after my last text he responded the next day and said that he wasn’t feeling up to meeting again. He said it was a pleasure meeting me and wished me well in my search. You know, I can respect that! At least he just didn’t totally ghost me.
Now the second guy…we had so much fun texting and chatting. But, last weekend was the 1st date. He invited me to a 50th birthday party that a friend of his was having at her house in Washington DC. I get to our meet-up location and he greets me with a friend of his that he’s known for 30 years. When he hugged me, I immediately smelled alcohol on his breath. Now I should mention that a lot of our communications were about cocktails and libations (as well as music, work, etc.). But, I mean that smell hit me in the face when I went to hug him which meant he had already started “pre-gaming” for the party. He also had his backpack in tow with his flask and whatever else he needed for the night. His friend didn’t want to show up empty handed so we went to the liquor store and got some wine & beer to take to the party.
We get to the party and let’s just say the night went downhill from there. He started with a plastic cup full of Tito’s vodka. When that was empty, he went back to the bar for refill…after refill…after refill. I’m not sure how many he actually ended up drinking because at some point when we finally found somewhere to sit, he ended up knocking over and spilling at least 3 of his drinks. Each time he would get up and go get another one. His friend and I encouraged him to eat something. I’d asked him when was the last time he ate and he replied around 2pm earlier that afternoon. After we all got a plate of food, he barely ate anything…he just picked at his plate. Somehow he managed to spill quite a bit of it all over the hostess’ bench that we were sitting on. It’s like that didn’t even phase him though. He didn’t bother to try and clean it up at all. By that time, he was starting to slur and appear like he was “out of it” a bit. He was “wobbly” when he’d get up from the bench to get those refills. I kept asking him if he was “OK” and he kept insisting that he was “OK.” I ended up brushing the spilled food off the bench. When a couple chairs freed up on the front porch, I suggested we go sit there thinking that if we did he wouldn’t spill anymore drinks.
What was interesting was watching his homeboy acting like he had to “hover” and babysit him. I could see he was very concerned for his well-being. He even made a couple comments that led me to believe this was my date’s “normal” behavior. His homeboy had to leave earlier in the night so it was just us. But, the look of worry and concern on his face when he had to leave us spoke volumes to me. You know it’s bad when his homeboy and I are giving each other “looks” and communicating mutual concern over my date. I think the last thing he said to me before he left was something like try to “be sure he gets home safe.” I was thinking I’ll do what I can but when it’s time for me to leave I’m calling an Uber and I’m O-U-T!
Our conversation that night was mostly him complimenting me, talk of traveling together, him saying “since we’re formal now” he was going to delete his Bumble account… I was thinking more like “Whoaaaa, PUMP the brakes & SLOW DOWN!” I couldn’t tell if his “off” behavior was totally due to the liquor he had consumed or if there was something else wrong with him. So when I was asked to take pictures of the birthday girl and some of her male guests, I didn’t notice that my date had passed out for a bit. I ended up getting roped into being in some of the pics and suddenly we heard someone snoring. Yup, my date was in the chair, head cocked all the way back, mouth wide open…SNORING!
Now mind you, the “sharks” (aka other men at the party) were circling all night, but especially when were on the front porch. Once I said something about wanting a cigar and one of the men gave me 2 cigars - I lit up my stick and the men passing by me were in total shock and awe! One even looked at me and was like “WHAT IS THAT?” I looked at him nonchalantly and replied, “A cigar?!?!” One of the guys asked me “now WHO are you here with…are you <my date’s name>’s Girl?” I quickly replied that I was not “his girl” but rather it was a first date that he’d invited me to…and it didn’t look like there was going to be a 2nd date! I appreciated that they didn’t want to be disrespectful, but they were definitely interested too.
How did it end?
Well, once I saw him sleeping & snoring I knew it was time to call my Uber! The guys woke him up and he literally jumped up from the chair and made a straight bee line inside the house to get some food. (Ohhhh, NOW you want to eat?!?! Lol) Thank God my Uber came… I ran in to tell him a QUICK goodbye and I left before he could say anything too much to me.
I got home around 2:30 a.m. and texted him that I made it. The next day… our whole vibe was “off” and pretty much non-existent. His texts were awkward. The first one was simply “Laura?” to which I didn’t reply. The second one which was several hours later was “U good?” I ignored that one too. I debated replying and saying anything. I hate “ghosting” anyone, but I just thought it was best in this situation. In fact, I even blocked him on both my phone and Bumble.
I am not mad for putting myself out there a little bit, but I think I’m just going to chill and keep DOING ME and focus on #livingmybestlife this summer.
I don’t need the drama that I’ve had in the past few weeks!
Stay tuned for another #datingafteranarc story in which this guy ended up being a serial manipulator and user on top of a pathological liar!