Dating Chronicles After Being With A Narcissist - The Manipulator
I recently saw the above IG post and I have to say it stopped me dead in my tracks. It was like I was a bullseye and I got hit dead smack in the middle. It has been a little over 3 years since my divorce from the narcissistic ex-husband and let me tell you dating has been one helluva roller coaster!
This post made me reexamine my past…and now current…dating patterns and choices. What this post said is SO TRUE! How many times did I confuse “intensity” (attraction, chemistry, etc.) with “intimacy”? How many times did I mistake “controlling behavior” with “security” or “obsession with care”? The answer to both questions is: TOO MANY TIMES!
So let me tell you a story about this guy I was “kinda sorta” dating for the past few months. I met him through my best friend. She’d recently done some DNA ancestry research and discovered she had family here locally. Long story short, she found out this guy was her cousin. I remember she was so excited and was always talking about her “Cuz” this and her “Cuz” that. She was so proud and happy to have some relatives closeby.
At the same time, he too was hearing all about her “Sis Laura” since we’re also sorority sisters and had become each others “ride or die” BFFs. Our bond runs DEEP! I’m not sure if she showed him a picture, but I think she did. He started showing an interest in me indirectly through her. Then, eventually we met in person and I will NEVER forget that first time we met. It was “electric”! He took to me instantly. And I could literally feel the electricity between us shoot through my entire body. You know that feeling that gives you the “chills” and you just have to shake it off. I remember being very aware of that feeling when we were standing inches apart as we were about to sit down on the same couch.
In THAT moment, he looked at me, nodding his head up and down and said, “Yup, I’m going to make you a Ransom!” (That’s his last name) I just remember telling myself and thinking in my head “Nope, nope…HELL NO… this is wrong!!” I kept telling myself DON’T DO IT! Don’t get involved. At the time, my concern had more to do with the possibility of me dating my girl’s cousin and feeling like there was something wrong with that. Like he was “taboo” and off limits. Looking back now, that was nothing more than my GUT INTUITION telling me to RUN for the hills!
And, here’s WHY!
He quickly claimed me as “his woman” and like we were in a “for real, for real” relationship. There was no discussion of any kind or asking me how I felt about it. So that was Red Flag #1. He love bombed me with affectionate words, terms of endearment, tons of compliments and regular phone calls. I mean he was definitely handsome and charismatic. He had lots of tattoos which I found extremely sexy. But I will admit - he was part “bad boy” and part “family man.” He could be “street hood” and “educated” all wrapped up in one yummy package. Since I’m not looking for a serious, long-term relationship and I know I’m never getting married again…I just rolled with it. I was more curious than anything. So, I let him “think” and “say” what he wanted for a while.
Last December, he ended up coming to my company’s holiday party with me on a last minute fluke. It was the first time we had ever hung out by ourselves. It was also around the time that he claimed he’d been diagnosed with a second round of cancer. I felt he needed the distraction more than anything so we went to the party. We had a good time and he was the perfect gentleman. In fact, my coworkers loved him. They could see the “chemistry” and attraction between us too. That night kicked off what would be weekly get togethers for the next several weeks. Despite being from different worlds, we had so much in common. We like the same types of movies and TV shows. I mean we just “vibed” right.
We had developed our own “routine.” He’d come over to my place on a Thurs, Fri or Sat. The first couple times he cooked for me. Now, I ended up buying the groceries, but I was impressed that he cooked and cleaned the kitchen. We would eat, watch movies and TV shows that I’d recorded for hours. Now, we both supposedly had our medical marijuana cards and I know he smoked weed and ate gummies regularly at home. But, when he’d come over he was always vaping my stuff. He never brought any of his own stuff nor brought me any gummies like he said he would. That was Red Flag #2. In fact, the reality was that he never bring anything with him when he’d come over and avoided spending any of his own money on me. He never asked me out - like on a REAL DATE! All of this was “on my dime” if you want to keep it all the way real.
Within a week or two of going to my company’s party, he texts me and asks me to LEND him $125 via Cashapp for what he claimed was for his chemo medicine. He said he was going to pay me back the next day (Friday = payday). It’s 6 months later and I haven’t seen a penny! (More on that later…)
Supposedly, he’s a high school teacher full time AND in law school with one year left. I know teachers don’t make much so out the kindness of my heart I sent it to him. Some time later, he hits me up during the day while I was at work. He again asks for money via Cashapp, but this time it was $45 to get some lunch and go to the store so he’d have food the rest of the week (or something like that). And again, out of the kindness and generosity of my heart I gave it to him. It’s 6 months later and I haven’t seen a penny of that either!
Trust me, he kept asking me for money from time to time. But, I learned after the first couple times to just say “No, I don’t have it.”
A few months into all of this, he had started falling into a bad pattern of making plans with me and then “sleeping” through them, his availability changed, or something else would happen. He would never tell me though so I’d be planning my day/night and waiting on him like we had plans. I’d have to chase him down when he’d no-show or when I wouldn’t hear from him. Red Flag #3! He did this for Superbowl Sunday and thereafter it became a regular habit. I gave him benefit of the doubt early on since he was supposedly going through radiation and taking chemo pills. I was sensitive to all of that considering my Dad had passed from lymphoma in 2007. I saw what it did to his body and for some reason I felt compelled to be this man’s support network. So, I let broken plans slide. Imagine how I felt when I would find out that while he “slept” or broke his plans with me, he would often end up going out and being at some of those same plans we had! He would tell me that he was coming to see me, but then end up having his daughter or had no babysitter for a young nephew who was in his care, but if he got a break he said he’d come to see me. Then, I’d later find out he hit up some other female friend to meet him up at the cigar lounge to hang out, or he was out joyriding on a motorcycle, or he was god knows where with god knows who.
Around the same time all this was starting up, the “universe” brings it to my attention that he has a propensity to “stretch the truth” a lot. Red Flag #4! I started seeing him for who he REALLY IS. I was pissed and hurt. I’m like here we go again! So, I adjusted any feelings and expectations I had for him. From then on, I didn’t believe ONE WORD that came out of his mouth. If I saw him at all, I was shocked. I eventually confronted him with his behavior and my displeasure with it. Told him we could go back to being just friends…nothing more. He was like “NO, I want YOU…and not as just friends. I want you as my woman and for this to develop into something more.” He apologized and said he was going to do better.
For a hot minute, it seemed like he was trying to do better. But, I still never trusted him again. I knew “this” - whatever the hell it was - had an expiration date. And, like I told his cousin (my BFF), I was just going to sit back and give him enough rope to hang himself. He did not disappoint either! All this talk about me being his woman and he’s my man…and we’re a “family” - yet, he kept standing me up! Almost EVERY time he said he was coming to see me, buy me something or do something for me - it DIDN’T happen. He did NOTHING for my birthday but sing “Happy Birthday” to me on the phone. I got no card, no dinner, no movies…NADA! However, this fool “talked” like he was really convinced we were in some kind of “serious” relationship or at the very least thought he could sell me that B.S.! One of his “excuses” for his poor behavior was that “bottomline” he’s in love with me and the last time he did that with someone else she left him. Now, THAT was priceless! Smart woman if you ask me…Red Flag #5!
The last straw for me was this Memorial Day weekend. By then, I had started calling him out everytime he did something (or didn’t do what he said). He swore he was coming to my house that Friday. I asked him what time shall I expect him. He told me around 8pm. Well, 8pm came and went. Then, 8:30pm came and went. And finally, it was almost 9pm when he send me a text message talking about since he hadn’t heard from me he was just going back home. To say I was pissed off and that was the last straw is an understatement. Granted it was a gorgeous day and I was “out and about” but I was only 10 minutes from my house. He should have been at least 30-40 minutes away from me. So, I called him out on trying to ditch our plans by turning this around on me. The result? He ghosted me the entire weekend! Didn’t hear from him until AFTER the holiday. Not one text. Not one phone or video call. There was no sincere apology, just a bunch of empty words. Then, the following week he wants to come back around like nothing happened. Red Flag #6! He never explained what happened or what he did all weekend.
Let’s just say from that point on…it all went down hill!
I decided it was time to get on him for the money he owed me so I could be done with him once and for all. I told him I really needed the money because I was in between paydays and my money was tight. I wanted to see what he would do. If he really cared for me and loved me…IF I was really his woman and he was “my man” then he’d be sure to do whatever he needed to get me the money. Right?!?!
But it was pretty much non-stop back and forth via text and Facebook messenger. His frequent Facebook video calls stopped. His “Good morning beautiful woman” texts stopped. His phone calls stopped. Instead, he ignored my repeated requests for the money and gave me one poor excuse after another.
I called him out on ALL the stuff he’d done and all he’d come back with were occasional comments like “You’re right.” Or, he’d come out of left field with some totally random response and ignore everything else I said. When I say that communicating with him was deja vu for me. It reminded me of what it was like trying to communicate with my narcopath ex-husband. It was like talking to a brick wall! And what’s worse is this guy thought trying to “woo” me with words was going to make it all better. HA!! I had grown tired of his “I can show you better than I can tell you” B.S. line he’d started giving me when he was in the wrong, but trying to get “another chance.”
I’ll admit I got a tad aggressive in my tone, but I didn’t want to hear anymore of his sorry B.S. I just wanted my money back. After a week or two of going back and forth, he claimed that he had $250 in cash in an envelope in his glove compartment for me. He was supposed to come bring it to me June 8th. He was a no-show. Then, he was supposed to bring it to me Monday, June 10th. Nothing! Then, Tuesday, June 11th. Again, nothing! He was busy getting a $300 tattoo on his chest both those nights. He continued to flake on me Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.
He’d made countless attempts to “shuck and jive” me about my money. Once even saying that he owed me $300 instead of $250. OK, so you can’t get me the $250 and pay the other $50 later? I also never understood why he couldn’t PayPal or CashApp me the money since he couldn’t seem to ever get his behind to my house to pay me. When he borrowed it, I sent it via those apps. So why does he have to bring me cash in person?!?!
By the end of the week, I had him so pissed off at me for speaking the truth, calling him out on every little thing, and posting some very “targeted” quotes on my IG page (@spunkydivadiaries) that were aimed at him. Oh, I never tagged him, said his name or put up a picture of him like I’ve done my ex-husband. But, he KNEW they were about him…and I didn’t care one bit. He grew angry at my comments and posts.
So what did he do? He started “cutting me off” completely. He blocked me on Instagram and Facebook. His “temper tantrum” even went so far as to block his cousin (my BFF) who had nothing at all to do with this. He said that way we’d have no connection to one another. He said that if we saw each other out in public we could act like we never knew each other. Really though? How childish and asinine! Again, reminding me exactly of my ex-husband’s behavior when I started exercising my “voice” about his behaviors too. This guy said that other than a time and place to come bring me my money we were DONE and had nothing else to talk about. He said that Sunday (Father’s Day) was his only “free day” and he was going out of town on Monday. Supposedly, he was also leaving for the summer around the end of June for an internship in Los Angeles at some big law firm. Remember, he’s supposedly in law school and wants to become a corporate entertainment attorney.
#KARMA Came Right On Time!
Out of respect and love for my BFF I hadn’t really kept her “in the loop” on what was going on between me and her cousin. She “knew” we’d hung out and whatever…she wasn’t stupid after all. But, I never wanted her to be or feel like she was in the middle. It wasn’t like they were “close” relatives since she just found out about him last year. But after ALL the drama AND considering this fool threw her into it by “cutting her off” too, I felt it was time to tell her everything. So, I told her on Father’s Day. She took it better than I expected and in fact, it was a huge relief to me that she knew. As we were talking, she got a phone call from a mutual guy that all of us know. She told him about her cousin’s latest antics, especially him cutting her off and out of his life. The guy friend basically said he wasn’t surprised by the petty, vindictive behavior because that is so typical of her cousin’s interactions with people. He said he’d hoped that her cousin had matured and grew up by now, but evidently NOT. This friend also mentioned that he’d heard through the grapevine that her cousin had gotten ARRESTED Father’s Day weekend and might even still be in JAIL!
And guess what? #TRUEFACTS
While we don’t know the exact details, it appears he got pulled over that Friday (June 14) around 11:30 p.m. for traffic related violations. Yeah, driving on a suspended license was probably not a smart idea. Looks like he got hit with two fines and three charges which require a court appearance. Also…it looks like his ex-wife reopened a child support case against him. He’s avoided being “served” and appears behind on his child support. So, there was a warrant out for his arrest. I’m not sure if he spent the whole weekend in jail, but I surely do hope so! He had a court date for today (June 20) and I would’ve loved to be a fly on that wall.
UPDATE: It looks like he did spend some time in jail and was released on 6/20/19 for that child support charge. He has another court date on Sept 3rd. He actually called my phone the night he got out around 11:43pm. I saw the green light flashing and checked my phone. Thank god it was already in silent mode! I wouldn’t have answered it anyways after his behavior. WHAT could he POSSIBLY have to say to me?!?! Can you say #BLOCKED now?!
Now, my BFF (his cousin) and I are questioning EVERYTHING he ever told us! Is he really a school teacher? Is he really in law school? Was he really at the library studying or with his study group all those late nights? Did he really have cancer BOTH times…or at all? Did he really buy (aka “legally obtain”) that BMW he’s been driving? He was definitely a DRAMA magnet! There was ALWAYS some type of “beef” with others for one reason or another, but a lot of times is was about money. That’s a BIG Red Flag (#7) in itself! I sure hope any future employer (law firm) does a THOROUGH background check on him before they decide to hire him at all.
When will people learn that God don’t like ugly…you can’t screw over genuinely, good-hearted people and think you’re going to just get away with it!
KARMA will ALWAYS find you.
And it looks like it found HIM. I hope his actions reap their full consequences! As for me, I’m good. Lessons learned along the way will never be forgotten!