Let Me Introduce You to The Other Woman
AKA His "#1 Flying Monkey"
I'm sure they both probably thought I'd forgotten all about "outing" her and the role she played in my marriage to the narcissistic sociopath. But, I assure you I have not. There was just so much other, more important information I needed to write about first.
But given how truly "inseparable" these two are I would be remiss if I didn't "highlight" her and their truly "odd" relationship. And, in the process, educate my audience on what a "flying monkey" really looks like and their role in a narcissist's life.
When I met my NarcX, I quickly learned he had this female "best friend" who he made sure I understood was like a "sister" to him and closer than any of his five real sisters. At times, he told me she was even like a "mother" figure to him. That always sounded "weird" but the more I observed their relationship I got it. She was very nurturing and affirming like a mother (not a sister) would be towards him. He also tried to "sell" me on her being "just like one of the guys" but you know I wasn't buying that one!
He was adamant that he had only four true "best friends" on this earth. But let me tell you... He did NOT spend no where nearly the amount of time, energy or resources with ANY of the other ones like he did with Miss Roberta Wittes. I mean, damn, I've had "platonic" male best friends too over the years and we NEVER did the things these two have done together!
He was living with her when I met him (online). He supposedly lived in her basement. Once we started dating, I heard all about her, but it took about 3-4 months for him to introduce me to her. I still remember the drive to her house.
He was all concerned about the impression I was going to make with her...ain't that a trip! I remember that he'd made cocktails for she and I for the car ride to DC. I remembered thinking, "Hmmm, she's definitely not what I had pictured. Aren't they the 'odd couple'?" Somehow he ended up mad at me by the end of that night, but hey that was pretty much how it went in our relationship. Anyways, he'd voiced his "expectations" several times that since she was "his best friend" she would also become "my best friend." The "love" or maybe "high esteem" that they held for each other was evident from Day One.
He put her on a pedestal and I was compared to her throughout our entire relationship. She could do no wrong (other than being too needy and worrisome at times). He acted and felt indebted to her or maybe more like "responsible" for her - safety, well-being...I can't explain it. Other than that, she was the PERFECT "source of narcissistic supply." In turn, she acted like she adored him...worshipped him and also held him up on some sort of pedestal. Maybe she was in love with him secretly and had never voiced it. Whatever it was...or still is, it was sick and twisted.
Let me say up front that their relationship NEVER sat well with me. When Charles & I first met, if he wasn't on the phone with me, he was on the phone with her. They were CONSTANTLY communicating with one another - phone, text, email. When we first started dating, Charles and I had two different cell phone carriers. At one point, I/we decided to get on the same cell phone plan. Big mistake for multiple reasons! For one, he was "monitoring" my every call/text and the phone numbers associated with them. Luckily, I pulled a couple months' bills one time and got a rude awakening as to the magnitude of how much they stayed talking to each other. I even calculated how many minutes and number of times they talked each month. The minutes were into the THOUSANDS!
I went ballistic and remember one fight we had where she had gotten laid off from her job and had to turn in her company cell phone. He'd mentioned he was "researching" (he was anal and quite good with that) cell phones & cell phone plans for her. The NEXT thing I knew he had bought her a cell phone and added her to his plan! I'm sorry... She was a grown woman and you mean to tell me she couldn't figure out how to get herself a cell phone all on her own?! She had to have another woman's man get it for her?
On too many occasions, I was literally screaming and crying about how I was NOT OK at all with their relationship. To "appease me", he claimed that he would have a talk with her and let her know how I felt. He then would tell me that "she knew" how I felt and they would "dial it back" - meaning cut down on all that communicating. Did it happen? Looking back, I really don't know. It looked like it got better...OR did they just get sneakier? My guess now is the latter! For instance, after I left him I learned that on certain "guys nights" with other husbands from a marriage life/church group we were in Charles showed up with Roberta! I can't help but wonder how many other times did they "sneak" to see each other...and "what ALL" did they do?
Charles' "Other Woman" would call him daily - complaining about work, crying about one thing or another, sharing all her insecurities - especially about her weight, etc. Towards the 2nd half of our marriage, I figured out that he would talk to her on his ride home from work and would sit parked in front of the house talking to her until they were done. He wouldn't "come in the house" talking to her anymore. I guess this was so she would reduce the amount of texting & calling him in the evenings in order to "appease" me. Or maybe, they didn't want me hearing their secretive, private conversations.
I used to wonder how in the world does she NOT see how disrespectful she's being towards another woman? I mean he would be her shoulder to cry and lean on, especially during times when we were fighting (which was a monthly occurrence). But, if things were going "good" between us and she was being "needy" as he put it, he would complain about her and ignore her calls. He used to tell me all the time how he NEVER told her about our problems and issues. That he would never run to her and tell her "our business." Knowing what I know about him now, I don't believe that for ONE minute. And, that said, who knows what lies he's told her over the 8 years we were together...or for their entire "friendship"?!
When Charles & I were on the "outs" - those two were inseparable! I remember in our early years together and we had a BIG fight, Charles was always hell bent on "teaching me a lesson" so several times he'd leave and not come home at night. He'd go spend the night at her house! The last time he did when she still lived in Maryland, I called her at like 3 or 4 in the morning. Oh she answered the phone and I asked her if "MY HUSBAND" was there. She claimed she didn't know...yeah right! I told her she better tell him to bring his ass home...guess who came strolling home about an hour or so later? Don't get me wrong, HIS childish, selfish behaviors and temper tantrums were absolutely inexcusable! But, I hold her accountable for the role she played. It made her look pathetic and desperate for his friendship. Come to think of it, there was a time that Charles called me pathetic too. Pattern or coincidence? I'll let you be the judge and answer that.
Now, I did ask his family about them when I first came around in late 2007. His family claimed that they were as confused and perplexed about their "friendship" or whatever type of relationship as I was. They "claim" they'd been trying to figure it out too because of how close those two appeared to be with each other. I mean not only was he always talking about Roberta "Bert" but they have also taken vacations together and stayed in the same hotel room. Hmmmmmm?? Did his family really not know? Experience has taught me that his family shucks and jives when it comes to him. They will look the other way and some will protect & lie for him. He is the only son/brother after all.
At one point during our 8 years together, I decided to try to welcome and accept her. I thought I'd take a "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" type of approach. Boy was that a huge mistake! They both took full advantage to the point that every major house project or outing we did had to include her. Not only that, but whatever we did to our house, she was then doing at her house. I remember during one project he and I were in the midst of an argument. I intentionally told her how he treated me and was behaving. I wondered what her reaction and take would be on it. In so many words, she made sure I knew that if anything went down between me and the NarcX she would be on Charles' side. No earth shattering news there, but I wanted to see where she stood as a woman who knew of another woman being mistreated and abused. It's not like she wasn't a direct target of his anger and bullying too. I saw that first hand by how he bullied & treated her during our house projects phase.
For 8 years, I had close friends of mine as well as friends of ours from the church we went to constantly question me about their friendship. A LOT of them were not OK or comfortable with it either - so I knew I couldn't be crazy in my feelings or thinking! One summer one of my best friends and her husband came to visit us. We went to the Capital Jazz Fest and do you know that Charles just had to invite/include his "BFF" in with "our" plans. She was the 5th wheel because we were coupled off and my girlfriend asked me "WTH" was she doing tagging along. Come to think of it, in the entire 8 years I was with him, NOT ONCE did I EVER hear about her going on a date OR having a boyfriend. But then, when you are attached at the hip to another woman's husband why would you? And, if things aren't as "platonic" as you both "claim" they have been then I guess you wouldn't date.
I would vent to Charles about her off and on our entire 8 years together. She wasn't the only problem we had in our marriage, BUT she was one of the bigger ones whether he agreed or not. She would send him birthday, father's day and other "Hallmark" cards oozing with affirmations about what a "great man" and "great father" he is. How does she justify that when he's lost his relationships with BOTH sons? Does she still think & feel that after knowing he put his hands on them & choked one of them in my presence?! Is she that enamored with Charles that she can't see through his stories to think that it can't always be someone else's fault? In those cards she'd write how much she missed him and wished they could spend quality time together like they used to once upon a time. She'd also sign them "Love, Roberta."
Now, does that SOUND like "just" a "platonic best friend" to you??
Want to know something ironic? A few short months into our dating, he demanded and gave me an ultimatum that I had to "cut off" ALL my male friends. He had issues if I was keeping in touch with ANY male friend who I had dated and especially slept with. It took me a while to "get that" I will admit, especially because I dated a couple of the guys when I was a teenager or early twenties. I grew up with a couple of them so it hurt to have to cut them off. But eventually, I did it. He'd even have me pull up my cell phone bill and go through my bills to see if I'd been talking to or hearing from any of them. But, Charles & Roberta could just "carry on" their relationship like usual as if THEY were a couple?!?! He did whatever he wanted pretty much when it came to Roberta our entire time together. I mean talk about a "double standard"!
Did I mention that before I met Charles she had co-signed for a Discover credit card with him and they had it for the entire time we were together? So first, I find out about the cell phone. I had to raise bloody hell for that to get undone (at least I think it got undone). But, then there was the credit card. Here HE is married to ME and has a credit card with HER...his "platonic, single female best friend"! Right...because that's what "best friends" do...they co-sign for credit cards. Mr. King of "Research" couldn't or simply didn't want to figure out a way to get his own credit card and transfer his balance in order to separate himself from her either. Believe me, I asked about that several times! And, I'm not supposed to think that "something else" was going on or had gone on between them, right?!
In 2012, I thought I was finally "free" of her when she got a job in another state and was moving to North Carolina. I was celebrating internally at the thought that she would finally be out of the picture...and my marriage. But, once again when it came to those two I was dead wrong! I will NEVER forget the raging tantrum Charles had with me via phone one day when I missed his phone calls. He was supposedly home sick and coincidentally it happened to be the exact time she was packing to move. Doctors said nothing was wrong with him, but he was milking it for attention and sympathy. I had walked to the mall with a pregnant coworker for some breakfast and didn't hear my phone ring. As we were entering our office building, I heard my phone and saw it was him. My first thought was that he had just woken up. Nope!
By that time I answered his phone call, he was was in a serious rage and throwing a tantrum the likes you could NOT imagine. He was SCREAMING at me, cursing at me and calling me every name in the book. He was so loud that my coworkers could hear him screaming at me. I went to the conference room and even tried hanging up on him which only made things worse. He was in such a tizzy that he was hyperventilating on the phone. He threw Roberta's name up in my face (that was a regular occurrence during fights) and told me that if he called her he knew for a fact she'd stop whatever she was doing and come to his aid. Guess since I missed his phone calls he was accusing me of "not being there for him", but he expected - no demanded - that I be at his "beckon call" from DAY ONE! I was about to interview for a job in Baltimore making good money. He told me I needed to turn it down because we had "serious issues" we needed to work on. He told me that I was not going to take that job.
He didn't stop at throwing Roberta in my face though. Nope, while he always denied being "abusive" to me, on that phone call he said: "Oh, and you think you've been abused before?!?! You ain't seen NOTHING yet! I'm going to abuse you worse than you have EVER been abused before!!!" I did call Roberta and for the 1st time since I'd met her I played the "wife card" on her. I told her IF Charles called her, she was NOT to respond or go to him because he was throwing a tantrum. I wonder how their conversations went after that. Did she even ask him about it or tell him I called her? If so, what excuse (aka 'lie') could he have possibly given her?
Her living in North Carolina wasn't as helpful as I had originally thought. In 2014, our youngest son (my stepson) came to live with us. She had a close relationship with him and would always want to see him when he visited. She'd give him gifts for his birthday and holidays. In June 2014, I had suggested to Charles we separate which only added fuel to the fire and led to a HELLacious summer full of power shifts, fights and long periods of his infamous "silent treatment." I had gotten laid off again in July 2014. Charles and I had gotten into yet another fight (I don't remember about what off-hand, but I know I wrote about it in my journals!) and he decides to take our son to North Carolina to see their favorite college team play. Now, you know "WHO" is really in North Carolina, right? YUP - ROBERTA!
Charles rented a car and had planned this entire trip WITHOUT telling me! You see, he was good for doing stuff like this (and much worse) to "punish me" or teach me a lesson about whatever he was mad at me for. He wanted to get a "reaction" out of me. He probably thought I wouldn't find out until I got home from work. Then, when night time came and they weren't there I would then be blowing up his phone calling & texting him. All of which he would then IGNORE just to drive me crazy. Well, luckily, I found out before they even left! But, you want to know what the real kicker is? Although I already knew "she" was on their trip agenda, I hadn't exactly expected to see her name on the UNC basketball tickets when they came back home.
Now, I can not confirm or deny whether or not they stayed at her new house in North Carolina versus staying at a hotel. But WHAT DO YOU THINK? When they got back, I was forbidden from asking our son any questions about their trip. Charles said our son told him it would make him feel "uncomfortable & put in the middle." But, whose fault was that REALLY? Let me tell you how Charles would do me when he would just "leave & go out of town secretly." When he didn't want me to know his whereabouts or his every move, he would take some cash out of our joint account, go get some gas either in Maryland or Virginia, and get some fast food using his debit card to our joint bank account. But, then that was it! The rest of the time he was "M.I.A." I would not have a clue where he was or what he was doing! He wouldn't call or text. That was him taking his "silent treatment" to a whole 'nother level! He did this on a couple trips to North Carolina that I knew about...and on several other supposed golf trips.
When I'd finally had it with Charles' shenanigans, I told him I was done & moving out on Feb. 1, 2015, but that I didn't know how long it would take me to actually move. God kept me around until AFTER my stepson could finish his school year and get back to his mother down South. I left Charles and moved out Labor Day weekend in September 2015. From February to September, we played "house" and didn't talk about me leaving, about finances...NOTHING.
The day I left, Charles was on his best behavior. He helped me the entire day. He'd call and want to talk to me each day like nothing had happened between us. He even went so far as to say to me that this "separation" was good for us. He said we could take the next 12 months (my lease term) to work on ourselves individually. He said "then" if we still wanted to "be together" we could get a bigger apartment to move back in together again (guess he'd decided we were getting rid of the town house, huh?) and if we were still "a go" after that we could look for another house somewhere else.
Looking back, it amazes me that he had the balls to say or do any of that. But, he didn't think I was actually going to leave - and when I did he LOST control and in true narc form was going to try and "love bomb" and "hoover" me back. I'll admit I had some mixed emotions about leaving, but I KNEW it had become a matter of life or death. That coward was "killing me slowly" from the inside out with all his narcissistic shenanigans.
One day I was in my new apartment and that "little voice" started talking to me so I listened. I had been praying to God for wisdom and discernment. I ask Him to reveal to me anything I needed to know "when" I needed to know it. Well, on or around Nov. 1, 2015, I found out via Facebook that Roberta had moved back to Maryland in April 2015! I learned that in July 2015 she'd bought a house in a neighborhood that was 5-10 minutes from where I used to live with Charles. Mind you for at least a couple years prior, Charles had talked about wanting to move from our neighborhood to one called Ellicott City. He kept saying he was tired of our town home sub-division and some of its neighbors. But all of a sudden, he was interested in this "Maple Lawn/Fulton" area and he started spending a fair amount of time there. I didn't think anything of it when his focus and attention was certainly on that neighborhood for some reason. Suddenly, he had a male "coworker" that was living there that he would go spend time with. In May 2015, I'd just had minor surgery and one Sunday he wanted to go for a "drive." This fool drove me all through the Maple Lawn/Fulton area looking at houses. I would bet money he drove me right past her house!
So, imagine finding out that the "Other Woman" slipped back into town without your knowledge and lived right under your nose AND in your backyard for MONTHS! Imagine how I felt knowing my stepson knew about it. I'm sure he too had probably seen her and her house. He was probably "sworn to secrecy" and told (or threatened) not to tell me. I remember evenings Charles would come home from work, freshen up, change clothes and go right back out to "hang out" with this supposed coworker. He even said this coworker was giving him some old 50" TV too, but you know that was HER.
Folks, for EIGHT years, it wasn't just my "intuition" or gut instinct trying to "tell me something" about those two, it was SCREAMING at me that something was OFF! I mean every hair would stand up and every nerve in my entire body would go in overdrive when it came to those two and their relationship. Even up to the very end, Charles & I were still having "discussions" about her where I would shed tears as I expressed my feelings about her. When it came to HER, my feelings and concerns were always dismissed immediately! He'd always say she wasn't what was wrong in our marriage and point to his entire "list of grievances" with me. But, I always had to take his feelings with regard to the opposite sex VERY seriously and pretty much "do what he told me to do" OR ELSE suffer his wrath & consequences.
The week before I moved out, we were literally laying in the bed together and I had my head on his chest crying about how betrayed I felt for 8 years by their relationship. All the while, I didn't have a freaking clue that she had moved back months prior! Once I'd moved out, it seemed a lot of his "skeletons" were coming out the closet. I was finding out some REAL TRUTHS (aka learning about some BIG LIES he'd told me over the 8 years). I asked one of my sources about his relationship with Roberta. This person went DEAD SILENT on me. But, the prior two questions or scenarios I asked them about were answered & clarified WITHOUT hesitation. I also asked if he had ever cheated or been known to cheat. Again, DEAD SILENCE!! If ALL of this doesn't CONFIRM the "whispers" my inner voice kept screaming at me over those 8 years, I don't know what would! But, even to this day there's still that tiny speck of doubt because I never actually "caught them" red handed, ya feel me?
You know when I think about it, Roberta reminds me of Prince Charles' "Other Woman" - Camilla. They maintained for years to Princess Diana and the public that they were "just friends." In the end, that was a a BIG, FAT LIE. Roberta's Charles (my NarcX) used to tell me all the time that Roberta wasn't his type nor was he physically attracted to her. I wonder if Prince Charles said anything similar to Diana 'cause lord knows Camilla couldn't hold a candle to the late, great Princess Diana in looks or in character. Well...while Charles (Hill Jr.) has moved on to a different "new" narc supply to replace me, I'm quite sure Roberta (Wittes) aka his "Camilla" hasn't gone anywhere.