"Dear New Narc Supply" - My Letter To The New Woman In His Life
Let me preface this letter with a little background info:
June 30th was my NarcX's 50th birthday so I was not surprised to see a picture of him and a few of his family members on his favorite island of Jamaica. Mind you we went to Jamaica every year to the same resort for the 1st four years of our marriage. But, those trips were marked with crazy, insane verbal, emotional & mental abuse. We either had a huge fight a week or so before we'd leave OR definitely within the first 24 hours of us landing!
After seeing the picture, I later saw a video of the NarcX sitting next to an African-American woman at dinner. My first & only thought was: "Hmmm, that's interesting but she must have already been seated at the table and he wanted the end/aisle seat." (They were at an Asian hibachi restaurant at their resort.)
I NEVER thought "they" were a couple since for our ENTIRE 8 years together, he swore up and down REPEATEDLY that he always knew he would never date (another) black woman nor marry one because they had too much (bad) attitude and "mouth." He said he always knew he'd marry either an Asian or Hispanic woman (yep, me!). I eventually realized this was because he was stereotyping the women of both cultures as being "domicile & submissive."
Well, by the 2nd video I saw of them not only holding hands walking ahead of the person shooting the video, but also dressed in color coordinating outfits, the "lightbulb" went off - they are actually "a couple"!
My mind has been racing - not with "feelings or emotions" towards him (there is NOTHING warm & fuzzy left), but with "I WONDER IF...." questions mostly for HER.
So, here's my "letter" to the new woman in his life. I don't have a name. I don't know who she is or where they could've met. The power of social media is pretty amazing though. I hope and pray this somehow gets to her and if nothing else, gives her "pause" to take a "REAL" look at the monster she's with. But either way, I wish her all the luck in the world...because she's gonna need it dealing with him!
Dear New Narc Supply,
First of all let me set the record straight, I DO NOT want him back! I don't have ANY positive feelings towards him, but he's probably told you I hate him and he has "no idea why" I hate him so much. It's OK, he told me the exact SAME THING about his ex (his youngest son's mother) and come to find out she had PLENTY of reason to hate him...as do I.
Second of all, I am not writing this out of spite or to be vindictive. I am most certainly NOT spreading or making up "lies" about him despite how many times he tells you that too. I am writing this to educate my readers and create awareness on what a narcissistic sociopath looks and sounds like.
Now, I don't know how or where you both met (we met online), but most certainly you were attracted to his looks. He is easy on the eyes and has a really nice, fit athletic body. He knows how to schmooze and flash that pearly white smile that just melts your heart. He can be quite the gentleman and send sweet, caring...even romantic text messages and emails that have you believing he's really genuine and sincere. He will wine and dine you. He's very affectionate and "touchy feely" - at least in the beginning. Overall...he looks, sounds and acts like a "REALLY GREAT GUY"!!
If I could have only seen the "Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde" ahead of time! It will take some time because I'm sure he's adjusted "his mask" or even switched it up just for you. That's what they do...they say and become who we need them to in order to "hook" us.
I do hope you enjoy this "hoovering" and "love bombing" honeymoon phase you're in now - it's euphoric isn't it?!?! But I hate to tell you...it will not last. The narcissist he is will eventually get comfortable after "grooming" you into who & how he wants you to be...and he'll come out of left field. You'll ignore it at first. Then, you'll start to make excuses for it when it keeps happening. I will never forget the 1st temper tantrum he threw with me in public. And, all the ones after that because of how embarrassing and traumatizing they were.
I also hope you're NOT a strong, independent, career-minded or focused woman who travels even a little bit for business. That is a recipe for disaster if you're going to be with him. He needs you to need him and be codependent on him for everything. That way you can wait on him hand and foot. That way you can make him your "all-star" and only center of attention. God forbid if your family needs you, if a loved one passes, or if your girlfriends (because you won't be allowed to have any close male friends) are in crisis. He'll "allow" you to divert your focus, but for just a little while. If it gets out of hand or too much, he will most certainly do something to get it back or let you know enough is enough. I will never forget the words he said to me as I was still grieving my dad's death. He basically said my dad's not here anymore...HE is...and insinuated I needed to hurry up and get over losing my dad.
Well - I wish someone had given me the heads up about him in advance. I wish I'd known what the terms "narcissist" and "narcissistic abuse" were before I met him. It took me 4 YEARS to even hear those terms from a girlfriend who brought it to my attention. You see she'd been around me from DAY 1 with him...she'd witnessed the roller coaster 1st hand. When she started dating someone who reminded her of Charles, she told her therapist and her therapist said both men sounded like classic narcissists.
It also took me just as long to ACCEPT that I was being abused and in an abusive marriage. THAT was a tough pill to swallow! It was EVERY form of ABUSE, except physical. But please don't believe the LIES he tells about "his mother raising him to never hit a women...you can do more/real damage to her through silence." The reality that I found out AFTER I left him (I'm sure he's lied about that too) is that he has definitely put his hands on a woman. I was just very, very lucky. But there were countless of occasions that I wish he would have just gone ahead and hit me because all the other forms of abuse he did do on the regular "behind closed doors" were unbearable!
OK, here are some things I wish I'd been asked/told about before I got really involved with him (in no particular order!):
I wonder if you know that for 8 YEARS he said repeatedly that he always knew he would NEVER marry a Black woman because they had too much (bad) attitude and mouth. He said he always knew that he would only marry an Asian or a Latina woman. I later figured it was because he stereotyped both cultures as being domicile and submissive.
I wonder if you've looked too long in the direction of another man and been accused of checking out men before going into one of his (silent) tantrums.
I wonder if you know from the day you two met, he's invading your privacy & going through ALL of your personal belongings! If he finds something he doesn't like, he won't necessarily confront you with it. He may sit on it for a while, then throw it in your face at the "opportune time."
I wonder if you know about the "other woman" in his life - his so-called "best friend" Roberta Wittes. You will soon know just "how close" they are with each other. They will spend countless minutes & hours talking, texting and they don't hesitate to sneak visits & quality time with each other.
I wonder if you know that Roberta cosigned for a Discover credit card with him years ago and they still have it together.
I wonder if you know you will always come 2nd to Roberta. He is her shoulder to lean and cry on and who she calls if she needs anything done around her house that requires a man. She calls him for anything and everything all the time...and he goes running!
I wonder if you know you will be compared to her constantly if you don't measure up to her. He will throw Roberta in your face so just follow her example. You must either worship the ground he walks on & give him all the praise and adoration his bottomless ego demands "OR ELSE" (he's famous for that).
I wonder if you'll ever learn that he'll not always be where he says he is...beware of any "guys" outings (he may just show up & have Roberta with him) or coworkers that live in the Maple Lawn/Fulton area (he's at her house).
I wonder if you know what you "see" aka his looks, his body, his charm & charisma, his nice wardrobe & watch collection, his car, "our" house (yes, we still co-own it) is all a facade. His finances are NOT in order!
I wonder if you know that the reason we still co-own the house is that a) I didn't want it - too many horrific memories for me; and b) he couldn't afford to refinance it in his name only...probably because of his poor credit history.
I wonder if you know that part of that credit history is the fact that he wasn't paying his undergraduate school loans so they've been in default & collections for YEARS. Last I saw a statement which was right before I moved out in Sept 2015, he owed over $76,000! He's had NO EXCUSE to not pay them...or to not go back and "finish" his bachelor's degree either!
I wonder if you know that his "love/hate" with his parents is absolutely ridiculous - esp. when it comes to his 70+ year old mother. She cosigned on an undergrad school loan and at least for the 8 years I was with him, SHE was still paying it! She struggles as it is financially and there is no reason why he couldn't and shouldn't have been paying for that loan! But, she just kept right on paying it for him. It irks me that during the time I was with him he never mentioned it to me....SHE told me.
I wonder if you know that he will throw a temper tantrum in a heart beat, in public, in front of complete strangers.
I wonder if anyone in his family or from his old neighborhood in Pittsburgh has told you yet that he has one helluva temper and that it's always "his way or the highway"!
I wonder what hellacious stories (aka LIES) he's told you about why we divorced. When I met him his "Ex" (aka his son's mother) was the crazy, psycho bitch who he had no idea why in the world she hated him so much. He lied about how & why they really broke up! Now that I've talked to her and found out the TRUTH of what happened between them, I can only imagine what he tells you about me. You won't have to wait to find out my side, I'm more than willing to HONESTLY answer any question you may have. Just contact me!
I wonder what LIES he's told you about why neither of his sons are in his life. I'm sure he's lied on them and placed all the blame on how they are spoiled by their mothers and disrespectful. Again, just contact me if you want to know the truth!
I wonder if he's shared with you ad nauseam all his glorified male stripping days stories. I've got an old business card with a naked picture of him from back then if you'd like it.
I wonder if you were one of the couple dozen women he was already Facebook stalking before I even moved out the house.
I wonder if you've already experienced that he makes up all the rules in the relationship and they don't apply to him! He is the KING of "double standards."
I wonder if you've already learned that he is NEVER responsible or accountable for anything. It will always be your fault.
I wonder if you've already experienced his enfamous "silent treatment"' for hours, days, weeks at a time. Girlfriend, he can do that for up to a MONTH at a time while sleeping in the same bed as you!
I wonder if you knew that he and I vacationed in Jamaica (with his Dad) for the first 4 years of our marriage. Who knows "who else" he's been there with!
I wonder if you know that as long as you allow him to put you inside "a box" and stay in there abiding by all his "rules" and expectations, you are golden! But, you will sacrifice who you are completely to be who & what he wants/demands you to be.
I wonder if you know that he will smile in your face, write/send you love notes he pulls of the Internet, praise you one minute, and yet talk about you like a dog behind your back. He did that to me, his mom, his dad, his sons, all his sisters and his beloved Roberta during the time I was with him.
I wonder if you know that he is a MASTER at PROJECTION! I later learned that EVERYTHING he accused me of...HE was guilty of!
I wonder if you know that his family will look the other way, make excuses for him and love him unconditionally DESPITE his abusive ways. But hey, that's family right?!?!
I wonder if you will ever know the manipulative, habitually lying, vindictive, scheming man you're really with. I experienced it for 8 years! His sons' have both experienced it. His sons' mothers have experienced it.
I wonder if you know that whenever he is overly repetitive and redundant about ANYTHING, he's actually LYING. He will DEMAND truth, transparency, honesty, no sneaking around, no telling half truths...but let me tell you - THAT is a ONE WAY street. He will tell you that "every woman he's ever been with has lied and cheated on him." He will also say that "if you LIE, you CHEAT" and "ALL women are LIARS & CHEATERS." One word, "PROJECTION."
I wonder if you know that you will rarely get a sincere apology from him, ESPECIALLY when he's clearly dead wrong about his behavior. He will always find a way to flip the script, interject one of your past grievances and make it all about him.
I wonder if you know he will be RELENTLESS about getting his way...he will become an old broken record and work your last nerve until you finally give in and give him what he wants just to shut him up.
I wonder if you know that your likes, preferences, feelings, opinions, desires, dreams will NOT matter or come before his. In the beginning during this "honeymoon" phase you're in, maybe. But, it will not last for long!
I wonder if you know how truly "tit for tat" and petty he is about stuff - even to the point of skipping out on his youngest son's graduation. (You can ask him about the "choking" incident and then IF you want to know the whole TRUE story, hit me up! I was THERE for the incident that preceded this.)
I wonder if you like "walking on eggshells" because soon enough that's EXACTLY what you will be doing to not set him off and to keep the peace between you.
I wonder if he will demand you cut off any & ALL male friends in your life in the name of "protecting your relationship." Please know that will be a "double standard" because his BFF Roberta will never be more than a text or phone call away at all times. Word of Advice: If he EVER asks you if there's "something you want to tell him" or when was the last time you talked to one of your male friends, please KNOW that he already has the answer because he's gone through your stuff.
I wonder if he will go "ballistic" on you or shut completely down and "ghost" you if you fail to be at his beckon call, answer all his texts & phones calls in a "timely manner."
I wonder if he will be the religious hypocrite he was with me and "front" like he goes to church on a regular and pretends to be the "model Christian." He will have you reading all sorts of books and then nail you to the cross so to speak when YOU don't follow what it says (never mind that he doesn't either).
I wonder if you'll ever experience or witness his intense rage that turns him into a scary tasmanian devil. I've seen it at least twice...once directed at me over the phone for missing his calls and the second directed at his youngest son where it got physical. Neither instance was "his fault."
I wonder if he will bully, threaten, intimidate and give you ultimatums to keep you in check. He's good at the "OR ELSE" (I'll show you/teach you a lesson!).
I wonder if he will hold you to the same unrealistic, incredibly HIGH standards and expectations he did of me and his sons. Yet, don't you make any mistake or slight grievance because it will get amplified at least by "10" and he will NEVER let you forget it. He WILL keep a running list of things you do wrong & when he doesn't get his way (aka when you say "No"). Trust me, it will keep getting thrown in your face during your entire relationship.
I wonder if he will paint himself as the "innocent" victim in all his relationships with women. You will hear what all of us did to him and never anything he did to contribute. I have learned that he used to be quite the womanizer before I met him, and I'm sure that is still accurate.
Girlfriend, I'm sure he's painted me as the liar and cheater. I will tell you yes - I lied to him about certain things during our relationship and I have no problem sharing with you the context or rationale of said lies. But, you best believe he paints himself as the epitome of truth, honesty & transparency who never does anything "'wrong" which is complete & TOTAL B.S.
In closing, I have never met or been with someone who underneath such an appealing facade was such pure malicious evil. I would highly recommend you keep your wits about you. Call him out on all his nonsense...TRY to hold him accountable (but good luck with THAT)! And the ONE thing I do regret (besides ever meeting him & marrying him) was IGNORING my GUT INSTINCT & ALL the RED FLAGS that I saw during our honeymoon phase. I regret not leaving him sooner when I had the opportunity! (Ohhhh, despite what lies he's told you...I LEFT HIM. He lost a wife & 2 sons who want NOTHING to do with him in the 8 years I was with him ALL on his own accord.)
FYI - I have 8 YEARS worth of journals that I wrote in during our relationship to "document" EVERYTHING he ever did to me. One day, I will have the strength and courage to read thru them and maybe turn them into books. I would suggest you do the same thing!
I truly wish you good luck and know that I'm here if you ever want to fact check & talk!
The Former Mrs. Charles Clifford Hill Jr.